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Beyond Blue - Topic: Single Parent struggling to cope... 29 March 2015 I'm really struggling to keep on top of my depression lately. I'm fighting it so hard but circumstances keep overwhelming me. I'm very prone to situational depression since my 20s but I've managed to stay on top of things and nip things in the bud. I still get bouts of it but never as bad as it was in my 20s. I pride myself in that I keep on top of things. However, my life is feeling more and more isolated and stressful lately and I can't seem to find a balance to keep that depression dog in check. I can feel it.. making my throat sore, making me cry all the time, be bad tempered and angry at life. How do I get control of this thing? I'm a single parent to three children and one of them is special needs - this child is having massive problems at school and is autistic so sometimes violent and sent home. My children are all still pretty young (all under 10) and my ex husband committed suicide 2 years ago (something I'm still dealing with and I still have some post-traumatic stress over). I only work part time. I love my job as it is something I enjoy and gives me some social interaction but other than my job I can't go out because my my special needs child who cannot cope. My mother helps as much as she can but I'm pretty isolated and I know this is one of the problems. I have no partner and my friends all work full time so I'm on my own a lot which is really bad of depression I know. I try to keep myself really busy and focus on positive things but I think the stress of my situation is getting me down. I get on top of things then it's like a balancing act because something will go wrong with my special needs child and I have all these appointments to take them to - it's so overwhelming and it's all down to me. My friends are supportive and I've told them I've been blue lately and they were concerned and said to ring them when I felt like that but I can't/don't want to bring them down and moan plus they're so busy all the time with their own lifes and work.. what to do? White Rose 29 March 2015 in reply to MaryMary Dear Mary It's so good you have written in to Beyond Blue for help. Welcome to the community. First of all I would like to clarify your personal situation. Have you discussed this with your doctor? This really is the first and vital step. You do not say if you are taking medication at all. Do you have a psychologist? Neither of these options is necessarily needed for your situation as your GP may be able to help by him/herself. But it is important that you get yourself checked out. And as you have gone through depression before you know how it works. Another reason is to rule out any physical ailment. When you go to your GP ask about respite care for your child. There may be a facility that your child can attend after school for several hours a couple of times a week or perhaps on some weekends. This is not to get rid of him but to give yourself some respite and have time with your other children. I understand about not asking friends as I have done this for years. It feels wrong to put your cares on to other people, whether or not they are family. Recently I was given an unfavourable diagnosis and last week had surgery to correct the problem. Because my children live a little distance away and have their own children to take care of they were not available to ferry me around and give me support on the spot, so to speak. Don't get me wrong. They are all supportive but distance and children make things difficult. So I was "forced" to rely on several friends. However, as I told a few of them about my situation I was overwhelmed with offers of help. Now that I have returned home the love and support are still there and I have finally realised that they offer to help because that is what they want, not because they feel obliged or because it's the sort of thing you are supposed to say. It's been a long lesson on the meaning of friendship. And if you are anything like me you would be there in a heartbeat to help them. So why is it different when you ask for help? Well of course the answer is "because". Depression is not moaning because this not what you are doing. You are saying the Black Dog has you in its grasp and you need help to get free. You need help to get back on your feet and start living again. So let your friends help and go and see your doctor. Mary Chris B 30 March 2015 in reply to MaryMary Hi MaryMary, Welcome to the forums. There are a few solo parents posting at the moment that you might like to reach out to. Below are some threads for you to have a look at and post in: Depression and single parenthood Alone, confused and single mum New to the site but also a single mum dealing with depression/anxiety 30 March 2015 in reply to White Rose I did get diagnosed with depression in my early 20s and was on antidepressants then (various horrible ones) but they didn't react well with me and sent me over the edge. Horrible and I will never use anything like them again so no point seeing the doctor really. I might see a psychologist again because when my ex died I was getting some grief counselling and that helped. Might visit her again? 30 March 2015 in reply to MaryMary Dear Mary Thank you for your reply. I must admit I think a visit to your doctor would be useful for many reasons. While you may be offered medication you can always refuse. Medication has changed enormously in the last few years. Fifteen years ago when I had my first bout of depression I eventually consented to take an antidepressant. In about 18 months I tried heaps. Either they did not work or had horrendous side effects which I could not tolerate. Eventually the psych found a pill that worked and which I could tolerate by taking another AD to relieve the side effects of the first AD. Ridiculous I thought but I persevered. The doc could not prescribe what he called a therapeutic dose because I could not tolerate it. I went off it after a while My wonderful GP prescribed a relatively new AD which was OK. Did what it was supposed to do and had no side effects. So if you are offered an AD then talk about previous medication and side effects and see if there is something new out there which will not upset you. I found it helped otherwise I would not be taking it and neither would I suggest to others. It's worth a try. Another reason for the GP visit is to put you on a mental health plan. Once approved by Medicare this plan will allow you 10 free or cheap visits to a psychologist. If the psych you saw previously is still around and is a provider fro the mental health plan, then your costs will be considerably reduced. It's certainly worth a visit to find out about it. My GP is able to give me some mental health counselling. Between her and my psych I have a good tag team. And of course if you have any underlying physical health problem. As I said in my first post, your GP should know what local support services there are for you and your child. I worked in respite care for many years and saw how tired parents could get. I must emphasise that I do not see this as escaping your responsibilities. You need respite as well as your family at times. So there are some reasons for at least one GP visit. I know I have already said most of this and I don't want to sound as though I am nagging you or trying to force you to do something. I really do think a visit to a good GP would be highly beneficial. Have you found a depression support group near you? Try looking up GROW. They have many support groups around the country and maybe there is one near you. Just like writing in to BB, talking to others with similar problems can be helpful. You may also make new friends there. Mary Claudine 5 April 2015 in reply to MaryMary Dear Mary I haven't heard from you for a few days. How are you travelling? Have you been able to contact the psychologist again? I am going on again about visiting your GP. As I mentioned in my post above your GP can help you see a psychologist for very little cost. But enough of that. I was looking at your first post again and how you like to keep busy. Please be careful not to overdo the busyness. This can so easily wear you out and make you vulnerable to all sorts of things including depression. Do you have much information about autism? And importantly, does your child's school have information about autism and the most appropriate way to help him? Autism Spectrum Australia have all sorts of information on their web site, including information for parents and information about respite care. I appreciate you may not want to use respite care but it is useful to know about it for future reference. The web page appears very informative and supportive. So have a look. After all, what have you got to lose? Hope you respond soon. Mary 7 April 2015 in reply to White Rose Hi, I'm going okay. I seem to have pulled myself up. No haven't seen the GP about it. I don't think there is much they can do other than refer me to a psychologist or give me medication and I would never touch medication for depression again - it works for some people but not for me. I have to find a way to get on with my life without medication, it just doesn't agree with me. I might call a psychologist again if I feel really bad again. I seem to have lifted myself up a bit which is usually what happens but then again.. it's situational with me. My situation is a bit dead end for me with my family problems so I'm sort of stuck like this without being able to really do much about it which is what brings me down sometimes. The 'busy' thing is a good point. I'm rather stuck in the house all the time so spend my days either cleaning, cooking or doing work from home. I try to read a book as much as I can and sometimes watch a good show to take my mind off things but it's all a bit limiting. Yes have lots of information about the autism my child has. The school can only do so much - sadly state schools are really equipped to deal with autistic children and their IQ is too high for special school (they won't accept them). atm I'm waiting on getting them into an autism school but might be a few years before a place comes up. Respite care isn't really an option. I've thought about it but it would cause them more distress than is necessary an they often run away or try to.. so I wouldn't relax with respite care either. thanks for thinking of me though... I 'think' I'm tracking okay just now.. trying to stay on top of my mental health and not let things get me down. Trying to be positive every day. My children are healthy and I'm not stressing about where the next dollar is coming from so in my books I have no reason to feel down. 7 April 2015 in reply to MaryMary Dear Mary No one has reason to be depressed. That's not how it works. Depression does not happen because of something you have done or not done. You have some stressors in your life which are putting a great deal of pressure on you and makes you more vulnerable to illnesses like depression. But you could have the perfect life, great partner, children who have no problems, a stable home life and income, friends and family, and still become depressed. The Black Dog, as I frequently remark, is no respector of persons. Teaching it to come to heel is a skill you need to learn, not stumbling through every day hoping you will reach the other end. Depression is like rust in your car. If you do nothing, one day the car will fall apart. Please, take yourself to the workshop (GP) and get a service and tune up. Your car will run a lot more smoothly then. Mary Doolhof 7 April 2015 in reply to MaryMary Hi MaryMary and Mary, I must say your combined posts had me a little confused at first. Ha. Ha. It doesn't take a lot to confuse me some days! MM I do not have children and it is not by choice, but I have cared for children with various levels of Autism. I take my hat off to you and other parents with children suffering from any illness. You mentioned you have a lot of information regarding the level of Autism that your son has, that must help in some way to greater understand what you are up against. I'm so very sorry to read about your ex-husband. My favourite cousin took his own life and I felt so devastated by it. I felt so very sorry that he didn't feel like anyone could help him. You mentioned your friends have offered to be there for you and to help you out. You mentioned you didn't want to burden them with how you are feeling. Why not organise to catch up with them somewhere? Just get together at your place even, have a cuppa and a chat. It helps me so much when I am feeling down to be with friends. I don't need to always talk about how I am feeling, just being in their company is enough. You might be surprised what your Dr. can offer you in information, advice, referrals and options. Like Mary mentioned, medication has changed so much over the decades. It seems you have not been able to find medication to suit you in the past, so hopefully you can learn to manage your depression. I like to look up ways to cope with depression on Google and also here on the BB site. There are some really great ideas. I've raved on quite a bit here, so I will end this now. Hope you and the children had a nice weekend for Easter. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools RubyBeans 11 April 2018 in reply to MaryMary Hi Mary I know Im replying to a post you wrote several years ago but I feel compelled to reach out to you. I am a single mum of a beautiful 1 year old girl. The past 2 years of my life have been very hard and I'm extremely lonely and I would like to make a new friend. So I guess i'm offering my friendship, we can chat online or the phone. I think i'm a decent person and have only genuine intentions so I hope to hear from you. |
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