Wanted: Babes on Bikes, Dames
on Frames, Tarts on Carts
Proof that cycling is good
for firm buns!!!
Men are more ingenious and know these things.
Bank Teller is offering a converted spotter’s fee for each male who entices a new Babe on a Bike on a Muggs’ ride. The Teller, renowned for counting his pennies, will part with a 9½% proof "Ball-Terror" Long Neck for each new women wooed to a Muggs' ride.
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Risk Warning: "Ball-Terror"
is bottled into heavy duty French champagne bottles. You must be seated before making a dent on a 0.75 litre vessel of The Teller's 'mother’s milk', 'nectar of the Gods'. Otherwise in a state of meek mellowness, you will fall to the floor, albeit with a smile on your dial. You should be strapped-into your seat, 'cause the "J" curve takes effect when imbibing "Ball-Terror" - after 300ml women look progressively better whereupon twds the end of the bot, they all look a cross between Brittney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and Megan Gale. Liability Denial: Bank Teller denies responsibility for any actions performed whilst under the influence of "Ball-Terror" that may lead a raunchy rooster resorting to Coyote Shoulder the following morn'. |
Below are useful tips to understand women which may help you collect the converted spotters fee:
1. Attempting to understand the fairer sex has been the nemesis of the male population since Eve ate that apple. Their electronics are wired differently. There was a bug in the earlier models which was never picked-up. In attempting to induce a woman into cycling, don't use logic, merely smile and be conciliatory. Otherwise, she may accuse you of inferring she has fat buns.
You still got to know more.
2. There are more of them, and they out-live us. If you are married, "their money is theirs and your money is theirs." Occasionally, if it all goes belly-up, family law court judges, even the male judges, have continued that inequity. Because some judges for whatever reason opine that "the ex" is entitled to continue the life style she has become accustomed to which you provided - no matter that you end-up in rags. But so long as you've still got your bike. Remember, we are not trying to marry them. Merely get 'em on bike rides. Hence, it helps to understand what makes a women attracted to a man.
3. In a questionnaire of what "they WANT" in a man", most women will respond, "A charming, honest, good looking, caring guy who can converse well...". However, women don't pick a partner on "WANT", but rather on what "ATTRACTS" them, what makes them go zing inside, and do conniving, but seemingly unintentional stuff, to snare the unsuspecting dude and ensure that some other hussy doesn't jump in ahead.
There's a quantum difference between what women "WANT" and what makes a woman feel inner "ATTRACTION", the latter being driven by emotions where logic often has no place - emotions and logic are mutually exclusive and don't co-exist.
Men, on the other hand are logical and rational. If you 'phone your mate to enquire if he wants to go out on the trail the ensuing Friday night, you don't ask him if he wants to "look for a women with laudable morals, a stable family, who is a good communicator." Come on now, "Chaps dig women with firm buns." And this is where the cycling bit comes in.
But you may need more ammo to snare her into a saddle and therefore win a prized 9½%
"Ball-Terror". I'm sure you've heard, "For some reason the women I know always seem to date jerks. And "I'm the 'friend' they want to whinge about it to......she wants to tell me all about this turkey she can't shake, and regrets ever being attracted to."Why is it that lots of women date nerds and turkeys? The answer is that 10 letter word - ATTRACTION.
Compared with other sports, cycling contains less nerds and jerks, 'cause the bullshit stops when the flag drops. In cycling, if you want to talk the talk, you got to walk the walk. When a ride pack heads out for a hilly 100km hilly ride, you all got to put in the hard slog. Cyclists can work on that inherent characteristic which is not prevalent in other sports.
Understanding that women are attracted to different stuff can help you win that high octane Long Neck and firm-up more butts.
Guys read Playboy and Penthouse. Women read romantic novels where stories usually commence with a cavalier, often arrogant and untamed male dude. 200 pages later, some damsel has fashioned the wild rogue into her champion. Why because he had the hots for her too and was prepared to soften-up to snag her. But she always knows who he really is - what she started with ie. why she was ATTRACTED to him.
The days are long gone of swashbuckling sword fights on a gallant stallion. But these days, we've got +$5,000 glistening titanium or carbon fibre bikes with all the "schmickers" Shimano, Campag and Mavic bells and whistles. And we've got lycra.
We are almost done.
Women are attracted to busy men who aren't easy to pin-down, who have heaps of stuff in their lives; guys that gals have to work at to retain the attention of.
Cyclists are renowned for expending lots of time in the saddle. So you've got a walk-up start, as you're not a couch potato and ain't around a lot.
Even if cycling consumes every minute of your leisure time. Don't let on. Spruik about your polo pony having a lame foreleg, and stuff about supporting the arts. Wear a navy pin-striped suit to work and complain that your stupid board of directors always wants too much. Even if you don't have a board of directors.
OK. You are now equipped to lure women into cycling, and win a prized 9½% "Ball-Terror".
Finally, once you've snared 'em. Treat 'em mean, and keep 'em keen. It doesn't work. But it may avoid finding down the trail, some crusty, old geezer in a stale old white wig, slamming his gavel and sending you to the poor house where you can't afford the latest Helium light carbon fibre frame, with Dura Ace groupset and Mavic disc wheels that go woob, woob, woob.
If you know any other strategies, e-mail Bank Teller philipj1@tpg.com.au - things could be better in the saddle if we menfolk garner our guile.
If you e-mail the above address a jpg picture of similar artistic endeavour to the below, Bank Teller will publish it.
Kate 'n Sarah, aka Flaxen 'n Physio, circa Tour de Windsor, Dec '03 Theresa on the Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco
Photo supplied by Doug Moody, UK Ang's touché, snapped by Scribe
6 more firm butts on the track
Nth Turramurra buns
Tornado knew the two guys in above pic LHS. Alas, Scribe neglected to get the above lass' OK to publish these two pics. But you wouldn't need any green light from any admiring male, especially as this lass can hammer on a bike.
Butts at Wiseman's Ferry circa April '04
Bank Teller June ‘04