Tornado

RedNeck

The hidden persona of Tornado "The RedNeck":

Couldn't marry his childhood sweetheart because there's a law against it. And wouldn't marry his childhood beau until he knew she could continue the clan.
Has been married three times and still has the same in-laws and cousins on both sides.
Uses Duck Tape to keep the sun off his RedNeck whilst driving his pick-up, and is even thoughtful of his passenger's RedNeck.
Trev's kids take a siphon hose to 'show and tell' and always carries his own fuel filler nozzle.
Trevor's trying to undercut the medical profession by offering free mammograms.
Does his own panel-beating and fits his own bull-bars and spoilers, but occasionally gets it wrong.
Prides himself on being a handyman, but cant get Public Liability, Personal Injury, workers compensation or professional indemnity insurance cover and don't know why???
His mate Arnie beat anorexia.
Missed his career as an innovative plumber.
Takes his dog for a walk and they both use the same tree.
Had to close his truck repair business 'cause he could get insurance cover. Didn't fare any better getting insurance for repairing telephone polls.
Believes that drink will fix most things.
Missed his 5th grade graduation because he was on jury duty.
Has an anal view of people who send him bills.
Always looking for sponsorship to fund R & D.
Buys his lube in bulk.
Bakes his own birthday and wedding cakes.
Once each Summer, burns his Northern Beaches backyard rather than mow it.
Trev is averse to paying bills.
Offers to give a "down 'n out" the shirt off Trev's back and the tramp knocked it back.
Regularly comes back from the dump with more than he takes.
Was involved in a heated custody battle over his hunting dog.
Wonders why TV channels bother with weather experts.
Wonders how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Encouraged his daughter to cheer for his mate, Dick.
Uses his ironing board as a buffet table.
Thinks a quarter horse is that kids ride in front of Warringah Mall.
Enough alcohol will evidence him satisfied.
Working TV sits on top of his non-working TV, which he never gets around to fixin'.
Has to go outside to get something from the fridge.
His unit doesn’t have air-conditioning, but his red 'pick-up' does, and it ain't going to get stoled no more.
Neighbours think he's a detective because a cop regularly brings him home.
The Salvation Army declined his mattress.
A Tornado hits his neighbourhood and did $100,000 worth of improvement.
Rates 'a room with a view' a high priority.
Loves his home bar-b-que and his portable barbie
Has aspirations to be a multistorey architect
Reckons there ain't nothing that duck tape can't do
He has lots of mates who all like munching on hotdogs together
Puts good use to everything
Has his own bomb shelter
Never whinges when he has to do the washing
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

The Redneck Book of Manners

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

RedNeck prides himself on his compassionate persona. Trev is also a zealous rock climber, notwithstanding losing a close climbing mate, DeadFred, who slipped to his death on a climb with Trev. As they started their descent DeadFred slipped, splat and was killed instantly. As the ambulance took Trev's former mate's body away, Trev's other climbing mate, ConcernedMate, said,

Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.

Trev blurted up,

OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll take care of it.

Two hours later, Trev returned carrying a case of Tooheys Old. ConcernedMate says,

Hardly appropriate getting into the slops, just after losing DeadFred. Hey, you couldn't afford a feed this morning. Where did you get the beer, Trev?

Trev replies.

DeadFred 's wife gave it to me.

ConcernedMate says,

That's unbelievable, you told the lady that her husband was just splattered on the concrete and she gave you a case of beer?

Trev responded,

Well, not exactly, when she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be DeadFred''s widow".

She said,

You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.

Then I said,

I'll bet you a case of beer that you are.

To avoid Trev initiating defamation proceedings against Scribe, it is important to establish what type of RedNeck Trev might be:

(i) From the boondocks with little intelligence, usually ugly, made fun of constantly as an uneducated buffoon; too stupid to know he is stupid. Not Tornado

(ii) The red neck is from standing around in the sun all day, too dumb to find some shade. Not Tornado

(iii) Usually seen in a beat-up pick-up truck with a rifle in the back window. Not Tornado

(iv) Member of the white rural laboring class, especially amongst the Tasmania provincial conservatives, often bigoted attitude. Not Tornado

(v) Lives in the woodlands of low socio-economic status, minimal intelligence and drives a pick-up truck and may be married to a close relative. Not Tornado

(vi) Doesn’t work a 9 to 5 job, nor needs to check his e-mails thrice daily and relies on a push bike as primary 'modus operandi' for getting from ‘a’ to ‘b’, where ‘a’ and ‘b’ are -

more than a walk to the fridge, and

less than the final trip to the mortuary. May be that is Trev.

Word has it that Trev has built himself a bicycle sulky, whereupon a picture can go at top Left below:

Tornado resplendent on his trusty treadley, towing his new sulky.

1.     You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2.     You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3.     Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4.     You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
5.     You offer to give some1 the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
6.     You come back from the dump with more than you took.
7.     Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
8.     You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
9.     You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
10.     Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

Have you used any of these "Pick up" one-liners:
1)      My love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.
3)      You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
3)      I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer Bed-rock.
5)      Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
6)      If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'till afternoon.
7)      Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

More RedNeck knowledge, pointers and valuable etiquette tips.

A Beautiful Tennessee Love Poem